Nearly everyone who works in an office is familiar with the 1999 movie Office Space. There are many memorable quotes from that movie, including the scene where Peter is stressed out and his female co-worker walks by and quips “Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”
Even if language like that isn’t directly used in your office, there is always that one person that is just way too cheery for a Monday morning. So if you’re returning to work today stressed out and feel that you need to figure out some ways to scare this person away from your cubicle, here are five ways* to deal with the Overly Cheerful Monday Co-Worker:
- When your co-worker asks you why you look down, start crying and yelling “It was supposed to just be a simple in and out job. It wasn’t supposed to go down like that. I’m sorry Jimmy, I’m so sorry!” If you deliver this line just right, you should panic this person enough that you’ll never be asked a follow up question, or any more questions ever.
- When this person makes his or her rounds to ask everyone how their weekend went, share a five minute monologue about how you spent the weekend learning about the vast meaningless and emptiness of life, and that we’re all just particles floating in an empty space of random chance. With any luck, you’ll cause enough depression to deflate this person for the entire week.
- Respond to the question about how your weekend was by yelling really loud “How could you ask me that? I waited up all night for you and you never came over! Why don’t you love me anymore?” Then run out of the room crying.
- As this person approaches your cubicle, preempt the weekend question by just saying “There is a man across the street with a sniper rifle aimed at my head and he is going to kill me if I don’t do exactly what he says. Please get help.”
- When this person asks how you’re doing, respond with “The moon is full tonight. This is the right time for the sacrifice. And then I shall be perfect”
*Please note that Hilaritan assumes no responsibilities for any legal or HR trouble that you may find yourself in for following this advice.