Millville, NJ – Local man Dale Newton has finally developed the perfect plan for getting the attention of his crush, Kelly Parsons. At 8:32 p.m. last night, Newton wrote an intentionally vague Facebook status that Parsons will have no choice but to comment on, thus giving the socially nervous man an opening for conversation.
The status, which simply says “Ain’t that life?” is so vague and unspecific that Parsons will be so captivated with the mystery surrounding Newton that she’ll have no choice but to comment on it, Newton rationalized to himself shortly before posting the status.
Newton’s infatuation with the 20 year old Parsons began three months ago, when she was hired to work at the Millville CVS, the same CVS that Newtown has worked at for three years since graduating high school. Since first being introduced to her, Newton has had a crush on the photo lab technician, but never could muster up the courage to take any workplace conversations beyond “Hey.”
Needing to gain access to her, he launched the daring plan to friend her on Facebook. But in order to avoid being creepy, he also sent a friend request to every single one of his co-workers, a move that Newton does not think any of his 29 co-workers will find weird in any way.
Then finally, last night was the culmination of his plan, as he posted the vague status. As Newton reclined in his chair in his bedroom, he could only think “just got to play the waiting game now.”
At press time, Kelly Parsons saw the status, breezed right past it, and completely forgot it within five seconds.