With the economy in the proverbial shitter, and more job applicants then there are currently jobs, you’re going to have to make your resume stand out from amongst all the others piled atop the human resource manager’s desk. After hours of Google research, and even more hours speculating what employment experts might say, I have created 5 helpful tips that you should implement to improve your resume instantly.
(#1) State an Obvious Objective: Employers receive thousands of resumes and cover letters without any indication what the sender is actually seeking. As a prospective employee, you need to be absolutely clear as to your reason for mailing in your resume. There is no better way to get the message across than by stating at the very top of your resume (after your name and contact information) an unambiguous objective. An objective allows the employer to understand what you are asking for without having to piece it together from the additional information contained in your resume, cover letter, and other included documents. Here are some great examples of objective taglines:
- OBJECTIVE: I want a new job.
- OBJECTIVE: To Work For You, Sir/Madam/Cthulhu
- OBJECTIVE: My job totally sucks so if I work here then I can quit.
- OBJECTIVE: Show me the money, F***face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- OBJECTIVE: To gain meaningful employment with your company doing whatever it is you do here.
- OBJECTIVE: You’re going to die soon, so let me take over before its too late.
(#2) Include Unique Personal Interests and Hobbies: Employers want to know they are hiring more than just some uptight individual with no interpersonal skills. They want to know that you’re not always worried about work or what is happening at the office. In short, they want to know that you will take as much time for yourself as possible without letting your career get in the way of your fun. So include a personal interests or hobbies section at the end of your resume to indicate you’re more than just another average workaholic. Here are some ideas to include in that section of your resume:
- Recreational drug use;
- Your favorite gentlemen’s club, strip clubs, and nudie bars;
- Any live-action role playing (L.A.R.P.) events in which you have participated;
- Training for the trials to be anointed the title of Jedi Knight;
- Any connections you have to any cast members of MTV’s The Jersey Shore;
- Coaching little league baseball;
- A link to your online dating profile that includes the number of women you have slept with from your other jobs (lie if you have to here; nobody hires virgins).
(#3) Spice Up Your Previous/Current Job Titles: In a world filtered by political correctness, it is perfectly acceptable to make sure that your previous or current job titles accurately reflect employment experiences. You want your prospective employer to believe that you are capable of handling anything they send your way, and the more impressive and accurate your job titles appear, the more likely you are to be hired over others. Here are just a few examples:
- Vice President of the United States? More like, Co-President of the United States.
- Mailroom Clerk? How about Correspondence Assurance Representative?
- Janitor? Hell no, you were the On-Site Building Maintenance Engineer.
- Water boy? Could have sworn you were the Senior Hydration Analyst.
- Toll Booth Attendant? Not as accurate as State Currency Collection Officer.
- Unemployed? Sounds like a Starving Artist/Freelance Writer/Photographer to me.
- Also, if you can include Efficiency Czar anywhere at all in your resume, do so.
(#4) Include a Glamour Shot. Employers don’t hire ugly people. Go out and hire a professional photographer and take a few pictures to include on your resume. Make sure they are airbrushed and have you looking like the next Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, or whoever women find attractive these days. If you have six-pack abs or large breasts, show them off. A few action shots might be appropriate as well, especially those including keg-stands, beer pong, receiving lap dances from strippers, etc.
(#5) Lie. If you didn’t go to an Ivy League school, don’t have the requisite experience for the position, or simply lack any desirable traits sought after in an employee, flat out lie. Practice lying in a mirror before you put them on your resume. The more you convince your self of your own bullshit, the more you will believe it and the better you will be at fooling others into believing it too. Lie about everything that makes you seem like a weak applicant. Research your lies to back up their “authenticity.” Remember your graduated #1 from Harvard Business School last year and your interned at Enron, wait not Enron, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Yeah, that’s the ticket!