Following a tumultuous week in America that saw the Boston Marathon bombing, a horrific explosion at a Texas fertilizer plant, and an Elvis impersonator attempt to poison the President, Americans were relieved to return to their normal fears this week.
Now that terrorism and random explosions are no longer in the forefront, Americans are citing North Korea, gun violence due to Congressional inadequacy, and the collapse of a fragile economy as among their most crippling fears.
“It’s so great to be free from the horrors of last week” said Albany, NY resident Sue Collings. “Now I can go back to just being worried about dying at the hands of a crazed gunman who legally purchased his guns because Congress can’t even pass some common sense gun control.”
Even members of the President’s Cabinet are expressing their relief at life returning to normal. Jack Lew, current Secretary of the Treasury, was very excited in a Monday afternoon press conference.
“Thank God this sick son of a gun is in custody in Massachusetts! Now we don’t have to worry about him killing any more innocent civilians. It’s great to go back to simply worrying about how the economy is still so fragile and could be pushed into an irretrievable nose dive by the slightest mistake. But please, by all means, invest.”
Even embattled North Korean leader Kim Jong-un released a statement referencing the end of the saga in Boston.
“My heart shows great joy for the people of Boston that their nightmare is over. Now, let’s go back to focusing on the impending nuclear war in Asia and the worldwide instability that I will soon cause.”