Your next trip to the movie theater may be your last, according to scientists in a lede that sounds like the alarmists at Fox News wrote it. The Center for Science in the Public Interest recently tested Regal Cinema’s popcorn combo and discovered that the savory snack could kill you.
“Regal and AMC are our nominees for Best Supporting Actor in the Obesity Epidemic,” said CSPI senior nutritionist Jayne Hurley in a witty statement. “Who expects about 1,500 calories and three days’ worth of heart-stopping fat in a popcorn and soda combo? That’s the saturated fat of a stick of butter and the calories of two sticks of butter. You might think you’re getting Bambi, but you’re really getting Godzilla.”
Not only is the popcorn extremely, reprehensibly poor for your health, Regal cinemas underestimated the amount of calories in each serving. Regal said its large bag of popping corn has 960 calories. It turns out that it actually contains 1,200 units of delicious energy, which works out great since after sitting in a dark theater for hours, many could use that energy to run a marathon or other such type event.
Movie-goers were shocked to learn that this buttery snack is actually death in disguise. “I usually eat the jumbo since it’s part of that great combo value,” said Bertha Hinks. “You know, you save $1 buying the popcorn and soda together. It only comes out to $15 that way. And at that price, I just have to gobble the whole thing up!”
A spokesman for Regal said that, despite its popcorn having more calories than a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza and three times the saturated fat content, it is acceptable to indulge every so often. “It all works out since movie ticket prices keep rising and people aren’t coming to the theater as much,” the spokesman said. “No one wants to watch movies anymore, unless it’s that shirtless vampire werewolf crap.”
For Hinks, eating at the theater turns out to be a great value. “I eat there and I’m caught up for three days. Scientists say it’s like eating a pound of baby back ribs with a scoop of ice cream on the side. Now that’s value.”
“That do-it-yourself butter dispenser, by the way, probably the single greatest feat of human ingenuity in the history. Ever,” Hinks said.