Forward-thinking mega-corporation Disney has decided that bonus features are ruining the core DVD viewing experience. For the rental version of their latest animated film Up, Disney decided to remove the special features including English closed-captions and subtitles, a bonus that is only really appreciated by the hearing impaired, The Consumerist reported.
“We think that only a few elitist, reader-types use captioning, be it closed-captions or subtitles,” said Disney spokesman Richard Waterman. “It’s like, who would want to read a movie when the characters are saying those words through spoken language. Think what it would be like if we did this interview right now by you writing a question and then me responding through a written response. That would just take forever. Written words are impractical.”
But how will the hearing impaired enjoy the film if there is no way for them to follow the plot through written dialog and other cues appearing on the screen?
Waterman stared blankly for a moment. “Oh, it’s simple. I mean, I watch movies all the time with no sound and I know exactly what’s going on,” he said. “Like that movie, The Dark Knight, that was a great story of how a helpful clown and some guy in a black bird costume team up to help a struggling politician get elected. Really showed the power of friendship and the human condition and other buzz phrases I’ve heard before.”
Disney plans to remove other bonus features from upcoming releases in hopes of giving the consumer added value for their purchase. The December release of the studio’s G-Force goes one step beyond removing just captioning – the movie will ship without an audio track.
“We think it’s a bold move that will enhance the viewing experience,” said Waterman. “The home audience will now be able to make up their own dialog and essentially create the story themselves using their brain thoughts. Plus, think of all the fun kids will have making their own sound effects. They can really get creative there. Maybe get some pudding from the fridge and slop it around when someone falls. Makes that ‘blop’ sound, you know?”
Waterman said that Disney is constantly finding ways to shake up the DVD market. “Within the year, we’re probably going to just cut the movie part out completely. We’ll still have the DVD case, but inside will just be maybe a few drawings, like those artist’s renderings you see in courtroom cases.”
A simulation of future Disney DVD movie releases when viewed on a TV.
These renderings and a few paragraphs will sum up the film and give viewers what Waterman calls the greatest bonus of all – extra free time. “A lot of times, we watch movies and wind up hating them. So this way, look at the doodles and read the synopsis and there you go,” he said. “I’ve tried it on a few films, and really, it’s a vastly different experience than watching images. It’s like you fill in the pieces using your brain. I’d say it’s an odd, almost alien experience, creating this world in your head based on what the text says.”
Waterman later conceded that he had never read a book in his life and did not realize he described a fairly common practice as though he had just invented it.