Purdue University scientists recently published and presented the results of a three year, $11.5 million study in which they experimented with the effects of the element oxygen on Homo sapiens, also commonly referred to as humans. The results were startling, an official said.
Dr. Ye Ha-Neul, head of the project team at the university’s College of Science made the controversial announcement last week. “After extensive research and experimentation, we have concluded that oxygen, an element that accounts for roughly 21 percent of our planet’s atmosphere, is actually a beneficial thing for humans,” he said. “Frankly, this unexpected result has caused us to question every scientific discovery made in recorded history.”
The scientists first began their experiments with oxygen after discovering just how much of the earth’s atmosphere contained it.
To test this hypothesis, the team put one group – called the control – in a sealed room, and another – the experimental – in another sealed room, each for ten minutes. To test the differences the control group was deprived of oxygen, while the experimental group was given an unlimited supply of the gas for experiment’s duration.
After the ten minutes were up the scientists discovered a vast difference in attitudes between the groups. While those exposed to oxygen were lively and well, the control group was found scattered lifelessly about the room, stuck in some sort of dead state.
These experiments continued frequently over the next three years in an effort to ensure these shocking findings were reproducible and not merely isolated occurrences. What scientists found was that in every experiment the control group failed to have a single participant survive the ten minutes without oxygen, while the experimental group had a 99 percent success rate of survival.
One experimental group participant choked on a hot dog and died after emergency personnel could not jimmy the vault door open in time to perform abdominal thrusts.
“We sensed that oxygen may actually be a good thing for humans, so we began a separate three month experiment to see just how much oxygen is ideal,” Ha-Neul said. “We thought maybe large doses of oxygen could give us super-human strength.”
Sealing a control group in a garage with a standard amount of oxygen, and an experimental group that was sealed in a garage with a car running to help provide extra oxygen, the scientists were surprised to find that in this case the control group had the 100 percent survival rate, while the experimental group that was provided extra oxygen from an automobile’s exhaust had only a 15% survival rate.
“Turns out car exhaust is actually mostly carbon dioxide. Pretty bad for you. We’ve apologized to the families repeatedly,” Ha-Neul said.
With this new knowledge learned, Ha-Neul and his team are urging people to ingest a moderate amount of oxygen, as it is basically good for the body, while cautioning people to avoid inhaling extra amounts of the gas.
Based upon additional experiments that were conducted, they are also urging people to refrain from attempting to inhale the oxygen that is found underwater.