Glenn Beck has it rough. The poor guy has one tiny incident where he calls President Barack Obama a racist and some 19 sponsors jump ship from his Fox News Channel show.
“Do I think you want to watch this show every night?” Beck questions his audience during his Oct. 15 show.
Well, one would think that you’d be proud of the work you’re producing, and, you know, hope that people do want to tune in every night.
“You’re tired. And I am tired,” Beck continues. Alright, so take a vacation and everyone can have a break from your silly antics and 10-year-old goof faces.
Beck goes on to ramble about a “simpler time in America,” and laments that “it wasn’t a perfect time. America has always had its problems, big and small.”
Whoooaa, why the anti-American sentiment? Are you thinking of joining those doobie-smoking hippy protesters who run around rock concerts nude and wrestle in the mud?
“Do you remember how it felt? Do you remember what life was like? You remember this commercial. PLAY THE COMMERCIAL!” Beck then plays what looks like his personal VHS recordings off his tape labeled “Glennie’s Favorite Commercials, Vol. II, DO NOT ERASE, MOM!”
He goes on to show the ad of that kid giving his Coke to football’s Mean Joe Greene. Beck then plays what he calls an “iconic” Kodak commercial featuring happy families sitting in front of the telly accompanied by Paul Anka music.
The Glenn Beck Baby Meter is at about a seven now, so don’t worry, there WILL be tears by the end of the segment.
Above: The Glenn Beck show segment in question (via News1News).
“America has never been a perfect place,” Beck continues. “But we used to be united on some basic things,” like stalking football players after games and giving them our sodas.
Annnnnd, here come the tears. “But the truth is, no politician can take you there. They can only take you farther from there.” Beck says some things about hard work and honesty, then makes awkward near-cry faces for a few seconds before yelling at Americans for “being at a party we weren’t supposed to be at.”
OH NO! We got caught… time for a lecture from Uncle Glenn. That’s weird, because I actually do have an Uncle Glenn in real life.
“The two kids who were driving us there, they said, ‘oh don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen, you’re not going to get caught,’ and you had a moment there where you wanted to obey your parents, and you were like, ‘ohhh OK, cause everybody’s doing it.’”
“They promised you that we would leave by midnight… And now it’s almost two o’clock and you find yourself at the party where you haven’t really done anything but you smell like pot, your friends spilled beer all over you, you’re out way past curfew, and you don’t know what to do anymore. You’re gonna get your butt kicked.”
Sure, you may get your butt kicked, or maybe dad will whip you around with his belt, or get out his trusty board with rusty nail, but it sounds like you just attended a party at one of those hip CW shows. You must be popular!
Living in a commercial fantasy land, like Beck does, sure sounds fun. Like, remember when the talking gecko used his boss’s prized first dollar to buy some crisps from the vending machine? What a fun misunderstanding!
But not everything is roses in commercial land. For example, there’s this documentary I see every so often about a group of cavemen living in modern times who are constantly being persecuted and belittled.
But it turns out they’re actually quite sophisticated – the one guy at a restaurant orders “the roast duck with the mango salsa.”
That reminds me, I need to pay my car insurance.