Hysteria has broken out among the gun activist community regarding President Obama’s pending gun laws. The President’s crackdown will most likely ban military-style assault weapons, as well as high-capacity magazines. The NRA hasn’t sweat a bullet (no pun intended) over this dreadful news. In fact, they’ve already plotted new ways to get their gun fix.
“They can take away our freedom, but they can’t take away our inventiveness,” an NRA spokesperson said, in an official press release earlier this week. “We will find new ways to potentially wreck people’s lives.” He went on a thirty minute rant, in which he denied bringing harm to others as the main purpose for seeking out alternative weaponry. “We deserve the right to protect ourselves from harmful threats, and have some fun in the process.”
Some of the prototypes include golf clubs that fire automatic rounds and vibrators that shoot laser beams. Both inventions have proven to be deadly during factory testing.
Not everyone is excited upon hearing the NRA’s plans.
“Taking something fun like a vibrator and turning it into a weapon is just plain sick,” a member of MAG (Mothers Against Guns) said. “I’ll never be able to masturbate the same way again.”
Not only has the NRA begun manufacturing new weapons on home soil, they’ve recently toyed with the idea of outsourcing their ideas to other planets. Just last week, notable NRA member Ted Nugent traveled to the war-torn planet of Kashyyyk to learn about their operations and to discuss several business ventures.
“Our hope is to find out from the Wookiees what’s worked for them,” the Nuge said. “Without guns, they’d still be slaves of the Galactic Empire.”
In recent light years, gun-related deaths on Kashyyyk have been at an all-time low.
“Less and less Wookiees are dying each and every light year,” the Nuge explained. “And they’re cranking out weapons like a motherfucker.”
Chewbacca could not be reached for comment, but a fuzzy creature who looks exactly like him going by the name of Chuundar had this to say: “WRARARARARAR”, which to the best of our knowledge means “We are looking forward to producing weapons for the NRA, and support them in their quest for freedom.”
Upon hearing the NRA’s future plans, President Obama stated that the government will have to consider banning intergalactic trade altogether.
“Good job dicks. Way to ruin it for all of us,” notable drug kingpin Lando Calrissian said.
Barring any setbacks, production of these weapons are scheduled to begin as early as next week.